Five things to remember when seducing Bond girl lookalikes

Before tackling Bond girls be forewarned and forearmed.

Before tackling Bond girls or their lookalikes be forewarned and forearmed in what to do and not to do.

Bond girl lookalikes can be hard to handle: that mix of daunting beauty, steely resolution, intolerance of buffoonery, and more.

I’ve typically learned the hard way and can proffer the following advice to make it less painful for others trying to win the heart of a Bond girl lookalike:

1) You never really seduce her–it’s always the other way round.

2) Remember she’s smarter than you.

3) Don’t opt for the absolutely cheapest hotel back down the Interstate Highway: a beach view is worth paying a bit more for.

4) If you playfully whip off her bikini bottoms while in the sea, don’t take the joke too far–give them back before too long.

5) If she gets tired, don’t continue nibbling her ear lobe or rhapsodizing about how nice the full moon looks above the ocean. Give her a bit of space, and peace and quiet–she’s a complex creature and needs to be handled thoughtfully and carefully.

The last point is perhaps hardest to do, especially when caught in the blaze of her eyes, alight and disdainful, though at the same time containing  some hidden message that if translated could change the trajectory of the entire night and beyond.

Good luck.